Female Jokes (You Can Tell the Difference By Holding the Jokes Up and Looking)

The following are jokes meant for female comics. Like the State Department: as a member of the male race, I disavow any knowledge of them. Yet, I came across them, and thought I would share some for readers:

This is a rough town. The first time I arrived, I saw a crazy person yelling to himself and shouting obscenities and then, every so often, he’d stop and do a back flip. I watched in amazement. You actually have to have talent in this town even to be crazy.
Guys are like dogs. They both look at you with puppy dog eyes and pretend they’ll be loyal to you, but the minute you let them at that door to do their business, they’ll mate with anything. You can put a leash on them, but if the opportunity presents itself, they’ll hump the short haired beauty right in front of you. You know what they’re thinking: “That’s a nice bitch next door. I think I’ll do her doggy style…in the front yard.”
How many have found an article of a lover’s clothing in your bed? How can people leave and forget to put on a major piece of clothing? Frankly, if you’re getting dressed, and you’re looking at your underwear and you can’t remember what it is so you throw it back into the bed, I think that’s an early test for Alzheimer’s.
The problem with men is they’re hard wiring is not compatible to the female input system. Researchers have found the most common male fantasy is---anyone guess?---that’s right, winning at sports. The second most common male fantasy is: two women. So it really is hard to find many faithful men. When you’re dating a guy with a two women fantasy, he’s already fantasizing about the other woman while he’s with you.
Men ask me all the time: how can we tell when a woman is faking an orgasm? Let me give you this advice: generally, if you’re done in less than three minutes and then fall asleep, chances are, she’s faking it.
Men ask me all the time: how can a man best pleasure a woman? That’s really simple. Gently massage us for hours, buy us lots of gifts, and then, and this is the important part: leave.
Did you know there are guys who like to have sex while driving a car? And people wonder why auto insurance rates are increasing. Get it up while driving, you get your rates up, too.
I have heard that power is the greatest aphrodisiac. I have my doubts about that. If that were true, why aren’t there groupies tossing their panties to the Pope?
There are some really sick people out there. That’s why there are sex offender registries. And no, women, don’t let a guy try to explain that being on that registry means you’re supposed to buy him a gift.
Women are from Venus, men are from Mars, and my boyfriends are from Hades. And I wish they would return there. I know I make that recommendation to them on a regular basis.
I have a fashion question: How much lower can pants go? At the rate we’re going, pants are essentially going to be socks that make it hard for us to walk.
The latest fashion trend is not fastening the top button of your pants. Saves a crucial fraction of a second during those intimate moments. This is a good trend: many obese people had already been way ahead of the curve on this one.