We're Bushed

The problem with the State of the Union this year was it fell on Groundhog Day. That day, George Bush woke up, saw his shadow, thought it was a weapon of mass destruction, and now there’ll be six more years of war in Iraq.

I love how George Bush keeps getting excited over the prospect of NASA sending a spaceship to the moon as soon as the year 2015. Hasn’t anyone told him yet we already have sent men to the moon?

I also like how the White House congratulated Mahmoud Abbas on his election as the Palestinian President even before the polls closed. They stated they could tell he was going to win based on the exit polls. Following that logic, at what point do you think President Bush called to congratulate Senator Kerry on his exit polling victory?

Some found lost transcripts:

INT. BAR

SAM , a bartender, cleans glasses while speaking into the camera.

SAM: Cupid has slung many an arrow in this joint. Unfortunately, a drive-by retaliation knocked off Cupid. Still, Cupid played a very important role in our political system. Just a few years ago, Cupid’s magic worked right here. And the world has never been the same. I remember it well.

Sam picks up a swirly sign on an umbrella and twirls it around in one hand while holding a sign reading “FLASHBACK” in another.

Sam steps aside. BESSIE NEST sits at the bar sipping a drink and smoking a cigarette. GEORGE BUSH walks over and sits besides her.

GEORGE: Hello, Bessie Nest. What are your interests? That’s some mighty fine corporation contributions stuffed in that fine dress of yours

BESSIE: Back off, Governor Bush. I don’t go for the dumb cowboy type.

GEORGE: Oh, I’m not a cowboy. I’m a Harvard and Yale graduate.

BESSIE: Yeah, just barely, and you needed your father’s influence to get that.

GEORGE: I don’t need my father. I’ve got oil wells. Or, I had them, until I went broke. But I went broke all by myself.

BESSIE: That’s not all you’re going to be doing by yourself.

GEORGE: You know, Bessie, you should really pick a guy like me to be your big daddy.

BESSIE: I like the intellectual type. Someone who understands what it takes to get me to optimize my performance.

GEORGE: Like who? Ralph Nader.

BESSIE: Yes, like Ralph Nader. He knows how to best get my engine running.

GEORGE: Bessie, you know once you get in bed with him, he’s going to take total control over you. He’ll regulate your every behavior. You’ll feel restrained and unable to breathe.

BESSIE: OK, maybe not Ralph. But that Al Gore is still far smarter than you are. And Al Gore knows how to create the perfect environment to satisfy me.

GEORGE: Yes, but Al is one of those environmentally sensitive guys. You wind up with Al Gore, you’ll have to give up smoking. You wind up with me, I’ll let you smoke as much as you want wherever you want.

BESSIE: There’s John McCain. I love a guy in uniform.

GEORGE: Come, come, Bessie. John doesn’t even want a woman like you to spend her money. He thinks it corrupts the relationship. Me, I like it when a woman buys me a drink.

BESSIE: I guess I don’t have many options. But what can you offer me?

GEORGE: I can offer you what no other can: full devotion. I’ll give you whatever energy you want, I’ll fight any enemy you want me to fight.

CUPID runs through the bar, puts a Steve Martin arrow on Bessie’s head, and then runs out the exit.

BESSIE: Fine. I’ll write you a check for fifty million dollars. Something to get you started. Just one condition.

GEORGE: You name it.

BESSIE: I come with a Dick.

George looks around towards Bessie’s crotch.

GEORGE: You certainly had me fooled.

BESSIE: You are a fool. Not that kind of Dick. I mean that kind of Dick.

Bessie points to a table and waves. DICK CHENEY, seated, waves back.

DICK: Hi. I’m Dick Cheney. I’m in hiding. (pause) Get used to it.

GEORGE: Bessie, I accept your money. Now let’s go back to my house and start screwing (pause) this country.

George and Bessie stand, holds hand, and begin to exit. Dick stands and walks towards them.

BESSIE: This is the start of a beautiful relationship.

With George and Bessie holding hands while exiting, Dick wants to the other side of Bessie. Dick and Bessie put their arms around each other, hold each other close, and pat each other’s rears.

SAM: George and Bessie consummated their relationship, and nine months later an economic depression was born. George has been doing Bessie Nest’s bidding ever since. George found it more and more difficult to difficult to keep up with Bessie Ness’s demands. She wanted the finest oil from Alaska, and the most expensive airplanes, ships, and tanks there ever were. George found it harder and harder to keep up the payments on Bessie Nest’s spending frenzy. George’s budget was hopelessly in debt. George tried to gain more money by going on game shows.

Sam twirls the swirly sign and holds a sign reading “IT’S JUST AN UMBRELLA.”

INT. FIRE THE LIAR SET

George Bush and BARBARA WALTERS are contestants before a game show HOST.

The host throws confetti into air.

HOST: Welcome to the game show, Fire the Liar. This is the game where lying is fine, but to get caught lying by one of our panel of experts enough times, you’re fired. Let’s meet our contestants. Our first contestant is George Bush, and the card says he’s the President of a major enterprise. Our second contestant is Barbara Walters. Barbara, what do you do for a living?

BARBARA: I am a respected newscaster with several decades of experience on major television networks.

The host holds a large paper reading “CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES” into the air and begins tearing it while talking.

HOST: Yeah, right, like we’re to believe that. Barbara, the idea is not to get fired before the game even begins. Alright, contestant number one, you know how the game is played. Begin.

GEORGE: Ahh, well, Saddam Hussein, see, was behind the September 11 terrorist attacks, and he’s got loads of weapons of mass destruction, and we need to invade Iraq because the international community wants us to.

The host throws the pieces of the torn Constitution into the air.

HOST: And our judges say that’s believable. One point for George Bush. Now, Barbara, your turn.

BARBARA: The war in Iraq is not going as well as planned. The death rate is higher in Iraq than the first days of the Viet Nam War. Iraq is a country in great instability.

HOST: Sorry, our panelist from Fox News saw right through that lie. Barbara, that’s a negative one point for you. George, you’re in the lead. Your turn.

GEORGE: Reduced pollution standards are not only more profitable for our major corporation, but there are no health risks in allowing our environment to become dirtier. Air pollution makes your lungs work hard, and that’s good for your lungs. Carcinogenic particles are actually fun.

HOST: Alright, our panel agrees. Two points for George Bush.

BARBARA: But that’s a total lie what Bush just said.

HOST: Oh, I’m sorry, that’s another negative point for you, Barbara. Our panel dislikes it when you interrupt the game with yet another lie. Yet, it’s still your turn, Barbara, as if that’s your real name.

BARBARA: Our health care system is a total mess. Few Americans, including industry specialists and treating physicians, can tell what medical procedures are covered by what insurance policies. We spend more money on the administration of health care than we do on pharmaceutical medication.

HOST: Woa, the entire panel is gagging. What a lie, Barbara. You’re just no good at this game. Score, Bush two, Walters negative three. George, your turn.

GEORGE: I graduated as one of the top students from Yale University, then attended Harvard Business School, where I was also an excellent student. I used my business knowledge to create a very successful oil company and a professional baseball team. My business successes propelled the voters of Texas to insist I become their Governor, where I was so good at the job that I was elected President of the United States with more votes than any other candidate.

HOST: Wow, that was an easy one. Our panel agrees that was all truthful. Bush, I believe you are physically incapable of lying. We now end with our bonus round. Contestants, what is your social background? Barbara, you begin.

BARBARA: I’m a woman who…

HOST: Woa,,I’m sorry. Didn’t you read the notice at our glass ceiling entrance? I’m sorry, Barbara, but women aren’t allowed to win at this game. George, your turn.

GEORGE: I was born a wealthy Republican…

HOST: That’s it. Game over. Barbara, you’re fired. George, you’re our automatic winner tonight. You have won the right to go out and lie all you want, but, because, believe me, a wealthy male Republican politician is like James Bond. You have won A License to Lie.

The host picks up an index card and reads from it.

HOST: Join us next week for Fire the Liar when our contestants will be Donald Rumsfeld versus Whoopie Goldberg.

The host throws the card into the air and yells backstage.

HOST: Come on, can’t you make this game at least a little competitive?