We Love Bush

EXT. NEW YORK STREET

DAN RATHER NOT (or “Danielle Rather Not”, if preferred) passes money to a DEALER who passes a bag to Dan. The CAMERA OPERATOR shouts out.

CAMERA OPERATOR (V.0.): Dan, you’re on the air.

Dan quickly turns to the camera. The dealer quickly turns away from the camera and slinks away,

DAN: I am Dan Rather Not, and I am here before a huge Support the President rally.

The camera pans and shows three frowning supporters holding signs reading “Support the President”, “I Love the President”, and “I Love Bush”.

Dan walks over to the supporter holding “Support the President” sign.

DAN: Tell me, why do you support the President?

The supporter is startled.

SUPPORTER: Why, you’re Howard Cosell.

DAN: No, I’m Dan Rather Not.

SUPPORTER: No, you’re Howard Cosell.

DAN: Howard Cosell is dead.

The supporter looks sympathetic.

SUPPORTER: Now, now, that’s no way to think. Life will get better.

DAN: What is it about the President you like?

SUPPORTER: I appreciate that we finally have a President who projects a bold vision for America. I like how he stood up to Saudi Arabia and insisted they institute democratic reforms.

DAN: Ahh, he did?

SUPPORTERS: And I like his bold action to save the social security program.

Dan appears dubious.

DAN: OK.

Dan walks to the fan holding the “I Love the President” sign.

DAN: Why do you support the President?

FAN: I am glad we finally have a President willing to take a bold stand on abortion.

DAN: So you’re a member of the Right to Life movement?

FAN: Oh, no, I favor a woman’s right to choose what to do with her own body.

DAN: Then why would you support an anti-abortion President?

FAN: No, no, the President is pro-choice.

DAN: I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken.

SUPPORTER: No, that’s right. The President is pro-choice.

FAN: Although I am not certain I support the President’s bombing of Qumari.

DAN: Qumari?

SUPPORTER: President Bartlet had no choice but to bomb Qumari.

DAN: President Bartlet?

FAN: Yes, we love President Josiah Bartlet.

DAN: Josiah Bartlet isn’t President. That’s a television show.

SUPPORTER: That’s right. I love how President Bartlet opened his administration for all America to see.

DAN: You’re talking about “The West Wing.”

FAN: That’s right. “The West Wing” is the best reality show there is.

SUPPORTER: I’m glad they voted off that Ainsley Hayes.

DAN: President Bartlet doesn’t exist. He’s a fictional character.

FAN: You’re daffy. They show the President every Wednesday night. If it is on television, it must exist.

SUPPORTER: Yes, Mr. Cosell, and since you’re on television, you can’t be dead.

Dan walks towards the “I Love Bush” sign holder.

DAN: You at least know Bush.

HOLDER: I certainly do.

DAN: And you support President Bush?

HOLDER: Who?

DAN: George W. Bush.

HOLDER: Don’t know him.

DAN: But you’re holding a sign that reads “I Love Bush”.

HOLDER: That’s right. I’m looking for a girl friend.

Dan stares momentarily at the sign holder. Dan quickly turns towards the camera.

DAN: And that explains who supports the President. Back to Barbara at the studio.

INT. NEWS STUDIO

BARBIE WALTERS and DICK CHENEY sit at a studio news desk.

BARBIE: I am Barbie Walters, and tonight, my guest is Dick Cheney, the main advocate of Halliburton Corporation and a prime leader of our Federal government, which is an important subsidiary of Halliburton.

DICK: I wouldn’t exactly say subsidiary. More like a mutually beneficial partnership.

BARBIE: Mr. Cheney, why are you in secret hiding so often, when the President is not?

DICK: You should realize that the President is basically a figurehead. It is important for me, as the Executive Vice President of the Halliburton States of America, I mean, United States of Halliburton, to be at an undisclosed location so our enemies cannot find me.

BARBIE: Enemies like al Qadea?

DICK: No, Democrats.

BARBIE: How often are you in hiding?

DICK: I am constantly in hiding.

BARBIE: No, you’re not. You’re not hiding now. You’re here, in our New York studio.

Dick stands up. SECRET SERVICE agents run into the studio and surround Barbie.

DICK: For disclosing my whereabouts, you are to be detained without pending charges at an undisclosed location.

The agents force Barbie to stand. They move her towards a far end of the studio.

BARBIE: You mean the secret prison at the end of this studio?

DICK: That’s right.

Dick turns to the camera.

DICK: And none of you viewers are allowed to disclose the location of this studio on the corner of 44th and 7th Avenue.

Barbie is lead into a prison cell with SADDAM HUSSEIN.

BARBIE: Saddam Hussein, what are you doing here?

SADDAM: I don’t know. All I remember is I am sleeping in a hole in the ground, the next thing I know, I have a big headache and I’m in Times Square being forced to sell booklets on 99 sexual positions for a living.

BARBIE: That’s horrible. Why, my latest book details over 200 sexual positions.

SADDAM: My previous book had over 200 ways to execute your sons in law.

BARBIE: Tell me, Saddam. Why did you pretend to have weapons of mass destruction when you apparently no longer had them?

SADDAM: I needed to look big. The Ayatollah is always bragging how well endowed he is. I needed to show I had something bigger and more explosive than he did.

BARBIE: But didn’t you realize that claiming to have these weapons would cause Bush to send in troops?

Saddam scratches his beard for a second.

SADDAM: Maybe, in retrospect, my problem evaluation and decision determination methods could have been conducted at a higher standard.

Barbie turns to the camera.

BARBIE: So, viewers, I must sign off from a secret undisclosed location where I see the leaderships of the ACLU and Community Legal Services are also being held, along with Martha Stewart, who has made a lovely table decoration out of Congressman Jim Trafficant’s toupee. In my absence, my show will be replaced by Janet Jackson reading the press releases of the White House and Donald Rumsfeld, topless. Just so there is no confusion, that will be Donald Rumsfeld who will be topless. Thank you, and good night.