Baghdad Bob Meets Bubba Bob

BAGHDAD BOB speaks to the camera.

BOB: Hello, I am Muhammed Saeed al Sahaf. You may remember me by my nickname Bagdad Bob. Many have wondered what happened to me after I lost all credibility. After all, it was me claiming that no Americans had reached Baghdad while they were building a Starbucks behind me. So, what becomes of a public relations handler for Saddam Hussein after he has been thoroughly discredited? I am glad I have found the one employer left who will hire someone with my reputation. I am now a public relations handler for George W. Bush. Let me state that, as an Iraqi and as a person representing President Bush, I was thoroughly appalled at the recent pictures shown in the press. President Bush and I were both thoroughly disgusted to see photographs of men wearing women’s underwear, of sadomasochistic sex, of groups of naked bodied engaged in actual or simulated homosexual activity…

Bob looks forward, dreaming into space.

BOB: Lots and lots of naked bodies twisting and turning, turning and twisting…

Bob snaps to attention.

BOB: President Bush and I spent hours reviewing these photographs. Sometimes we would invite Condeleeza Rice in to view them with us. Sometimes, it would be just me and Georgie, alone. Anyway, after much careful review of these photographs, we have come to an important conclusion. These photographs are immoral and an affront to our ability to win the Christian Coalition vote. We have decided that the person responsible for staging these photographs must be eliminated. Therefore, I wish to announce that we have requested (pause) that Howard Stern be taken off the air. On other critical issues, President Bush, who likes to pretend he once worked in the management of the Texas Rangers baseball team when we all knew the team was only using him because he had the same name as his father, wishes to announce that he is taking bold action regarding the issue of Spiderman advertisement appearing on bases at games. To save the game, and to protect the ability of advertisers to market their products, the President is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice and allow advertisements be shown on himself during press conferences.

(What Bob is describing is shown behind Bob.)

BOB: At future press conferences, the spider web will appear on President Bush’s face.

(a further image appears, such as the Enron and Halliburton emblems appearing on Bush’s chest)

BOB: In addition, Bush’s suit will proudly display important American companies.

(a photograph of a dog with a pet store’s Stop Eating Poop product appears)

BOB: Bush’s pets will also get into the act.

(a picture of the Bush twins holding clearly labeled beers appears)

BOB: In fact, the entire Bush family is prepared to give their all for our country. So, remember, in these sad times, President Bush knows we all must make sacrifices. So, “Friends” is off the air. Maybe “Joey” will be just as good. We at the White House care how you feel. So, remember, vote Bush, watch Joey, and stop eating poop.