No Nude Photos Here, Either: We're Married

Husbands and wives think differently. If both sides can understand that and learn to accept it, there would be far fewer arguments. For instance, both have different definitions of the term “cruel and unusual punishment.” To wives, this means ever have to wear the same piece of clothing a second time. To husbands, this means throwing out a piece of clothing that has been worn daily over three years that is so full of holes, there isn’t anything left to throw out.

Husbands and wives both will keep a vacuum cleaner for the exact same amount of time: seven years. Wives use a vacuum cleaner daily, change the bag every week, and use it until it wears out after about seven years. Husbands use a vacuum cleaner once a year until, after seven years, the bag is full, and then they throw it out and get a new one.

Husbands and wives have different definitions of the word “faithful”. Wives want to be devoted to the same man. Husbands want to be devoted to the same sports team.

Husbands and wives have different nervous responses when a prostitute comes up to them. The husband is thinking: “my wife is going to kill me if she so much as catches me looking at her.” The wife is thinking “where did she get those shoes?”

Husbands and wives tend to have different attitudes towards gay marriages. Wives tend to favor it, thinking love should be shared by anyone, regardless. Husbands tend to be against gay marriage, thinking “if I can just save one man from this misery…”

Lynn Lowry is making a career comeback and readers should rush out and support her. She will be filming a Dante Tomaselli movie with the working title “The Ocean”, which, of course, will be filmed in the Caribbean instead of in an actual ocean. That’s why it’s called “the movies”, you can’t believe anything you see. I mention this because, somehow, the above jokes were all inspired at the spur of the moment by this exciting news. If this film has vampires and I start getting all you Buffy fans back bothering me on this site, I will probably finally give up and admit: this is becoming some weird vampire hangout. Remember, I actually do own a wooden stake, so I’m prepared.