What Has Four Boobs and Lap Dances for Jesus?

I saw people defending the practice of having multiple wives by pointing to a painting they claimed portrays Jesus with two wives. This struck me as wild: people basing their sexual practices on the basis of a painting. Therefore, I am commissioning a painting of Jesus getting a lap dance from a woman wearing a French maid outfit.

I took a cab recently and overheard those words that a passenger never wants to hear a dispatcher say to the driver: “you know you aren’t supposed to be driving when you haven’t taken your medication.” This got scarier as the cab driver told me how he did time in prison for killing a man. But he reassured me he has his problem under control: with medication.

My uncle had to take cabs. I wouldn’t say he had a drinking problem: people could quickly learn that on their own. My uncle had a permanent condition that prohibited him from driving: he had permanent double vision, which doctors attribute to his permanent alcoholism. He stopped driving on his own when he realized it had become a dangerous problem: he had closed his eyes, floored the gas pedal, and let whatever happen occur. Fortunately, a police officer quickly came to his side and asked him: “why are sitting on the sidewalk with your eyes closed?” My uncle then realized he had to give up either drinking or driving: and driving won. My uncle said he’d consider giving up drinking, but that he just got too much enjoyment from looking at four boobed women.

Someone actually stole my uncle’s identity to attempt to get an illegal driver’s license. Never steal a driver’s license of someone with such a poor driving record as my uncle. The poor identity thief never even made it out of the licensing bureau office before a SWAT team had been put in place.

If you’re arguing with another guy who has the cuter girl friend, and your argument is that your blow up doll is a newer model, it may be time to reexamine your life. If you think your blow up doll has four boobs, you’re my uncle.