Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: Inning an Outie, and We're Not Talking Belly Buttons

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Inning an Outie, and We're Not Talking Belly Buttons

A comic is outing himself, stating he is homosexual. The evidence he presents is an experience that happened when he was asleep. I am sorry, but I have contacted the Judicial Council of the Gay Mafia (what? You didn’t think it existed? OK, there is no Gay Mafia. They’re really called the Gay Cosa Nostra) and they have made an official ruling: this comedian's one gay purported experience does not count. He may not call himself gay. He is no more a gay than a person who gets his leg humped by a dog may call himself being into bestiality. Until he provides any other evidence, he is not allowed to call himself gay. Sorry, but while he's trying to “out” himself, the Judicial Council of the Gay Cosa Nostra is forced to “in” him.

I saw a woman begging for dollars holding a sign stating that her child is lost. What? I give you a dollar and suddenly you can find your dollar. If your child is lost, shouldn’t she be looking for her child instead of asking for dollars? This must be a new gimmick, as later in the day in another part of town I saw another woman with a similar sign stating she has lost her child. Either there is a sudden epidemic of poor women losing their children in New York City, with the police advising that the best way to look for lost children is to go around begging for dollars, or this is a con.

I love all the animals dancing around in Disney’s “circle of life” song. Now, children, the subtext of the song is this: when the song is over, half those animals are going to eat the other half.

I overheard a woman of the streets of New York state “I’ve never been out west. The furthest west I’ve ever been is Los Angeles.” Sorry to break the news to this woman, but if she ever goes any further west, I hope she’s wearing a life preserver.

Last night the television news told a local shooting death and how the police termed the shooting as “suspicious”. Huh? Well, at least the police still consider shootings suspicious and not death by natural causes.


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