Stepping into Grass Roots Politics

The nickname Turd Blossom fits Karl Rove. It shows his true roots.

Lance Armstrong wants to go into politics. It is rumored he’s a Republican, which means his career in politics doesn’t stand a chance. Republicans won’t trust him: he likes the French way too much.

The average time for intercourse is six minutes.
The average time for a man to drink a beer is twelve minutes.
Beer is twice the pleasure of women.

The average time for intercourse is six minutes.
The average time for a woman to buy a pair of shoes is 24 minutes.
Buying shoes is four times the pleasure of men.

Something women may not understand about men, because women supposedly not only talk to each other in their bathrooms but they hold regular conventions and conferences in women’s rooms, is that men never talk to each other in men’s room. The only exception would be if the conversation could be proceeded by the following phrase: “this is an emergency.” Examples of this are:
This is an emergency. Hurry up, the place is on fire.
This is an emergency. Anyone have an extra condom?
This is an emergency. Call a doctor. I have something really important stuck in my zipper.
This is an emergency. Isn’t that my wife you just came in with? (The emergency may be more for the recipient of this question.)
This is an emergency. Hi, I’m gay. Are you? (Although sometimes the rules in this situation may reverse to the female rules.)

Speaking of gays, I wonder what a drill sergeant was thinking when he spoke about people who question military policies unless they themselves have not laid their butts out for their country.

Recently, I couldn’t understand a woman. She stated she’s either like to marry me, or bury me. Either way, I’m dead. After agreeing to the proposition, I realized it might be important to ascertain which event I had granted her permission to plan. Of course, I couldn’t come right out and ask, because that would be embarrassing. So, of course, I try to find out through conversation. “When do you see this event happening?” Response: “At the right time.” “What do you see me wearing?” Response: “Something nice.” “What will you be wearing?” Response; “There is plenty of time to decide that.” I don’t know which event I’ve agreed to, but either way it will be an unexpected surprise.

I have found a sure fire method to determine if a woman is emotionally unbalanced: If she’ll go out with me, she’s unstable.

For people who thought I was losing it when I would complain that the inside of my suitcase would be wet after plane trips, I finally found the answer to this mystery. I used to ask: what is it that being inside an airplane could possibly cause condensation inside a suitcase? It turns out, especially when flying or transferring in the Philadelphia airport, that luggage handlers open suitcases beyond the view of security cameras, which is outdoors. So, if it is raining, the insides of suitcases get wet. Boy, I am relieved to know there was an answer to that riddle!

Frequent buyer cards are getting out of hand. Seeing how people move, on average, once every five years, real estate agents are now handing out cards that, if you buy five homes through their agency, the sixth home of equal of lesser value is free.

I saw sugar free rock candy? How can that be? You melt down sugar and then remove all the sugar? So, essentially, they’re selling an empty candy wrapper.

Jara Cimrman was voted by Czech Republic voters as their country’s greatest hero. Jara was a self-taught gynecologist, which must make him a favorite with male voters. What I would like to hear from is an interview with his first customer. It turns out, Jara is a fictitious person. The Czech most admire a person who never existed. And they did this without the use of hallucinatory medication.