Why the Government Is Not Out to Get You, Honest, Trust Me

I recently received an email from a female reader who was worried that the government might be tracking who reads this column. After all, we all know comedy is helpful in healing ill people, and terrorists sometimes get ill, and obviously terrorists laugh to become better, and that nine of ten members of leading terrorists recommend this site over hitting your head with a mallet (that tenth terrorist has me really worried). The following is my response to this reader:


You should not be too worried about the government tracking your Internet use. After all, I looked into your use, and frankly, you appear to be a solid citizen, although I do have to ask: don’t you think you have enough shoes? Also, I am certain those “adult” sites you visit were purely for first amendment legal research and your monitoring the Hezbollah website is only for your personal education and in no way indicates you support them. Oh, wait, that’s my printout of websites visited, not yours…

Fortunately, the upside is that few officials have the time and interest to track our Internet use. Besides, even if people look at our emails, they will discover the vast majority of them are for fake mortgage loans, fake pharmaceuticals, fake body parts, and, of course, the occasional warning from my bank that a security check requires me to email them my account numbers and password, a service from bank for which I am very grateful. So, as long as you don’t do anything to attract the attention of the government, such as joining a terrorist group, a peace group, a religion that advocates peace, register as a Democrat, I assure you, the government will have no interest whatsoever in your activities.

Of course, the corporate world is another story. They wish to monitor what you buy over the Internet, and how much you are willing to pay, to see if they can get you to not only become aware of their products but see how much they can get you to overpay for their products.
But, that is the private sector, and this is America, and we believe in separate of the religion of business and government.

I will stop here, because, as much as I know some people seem to appreciate receiving comical letters from me, I learn it seems eventually I will touch a nerve I did not realize existed (come on, how many of my friends really do belong to Hezbollah, and why can’t I make fun of it?) and then people get upset over my humor.


I told a joke once that very few people got, but those who did get it found it quite funny. I told some Sociologists that someday I wish to do the first English translation of the works of Talcott Parsons. Sociologists love this joke because Talcott Parsons wrote in English, although no one had any idea what he was writing about. Yet, no one dared question his writings and admit to others they couldn’t figure out what he was saying. so he has become one of the most respect and famous Sociologists of all time, only because no one wants to admit they haven’t the foggiest idea what he said.

I am also trying to understand Star Wars. We learn that the voice of Verizon is evil, which we knew already because he’s the voice of Verizon, and the princess wears a hairdo that has never been popular at any time in history, and after fighting good and evil (evil is always some ugly creature, because in movies, ugly has no right to live), we learn there is good and evil in all of us, and we good follow the force towards good, in roles played by actors who follow far different forces.

Speaking of evil, statistics indicate that hate crimes continue to increase in France. You realize what this means: even the French hate the French.

Should it bother me that, underneath the Japanese Green Tea I purchased, it reads “product of China”?