Tweetle Dee and Twitter Dumber II
Tweets
@TheFix Banana cake with chocolate and caramel cake with caramel. If your wife does not like them, divorce her, immediately.
@TheFix Magnolia. Go now. 200 Columbus Avenue.
@TiffaniKainoa93 Thank you so much for the spam. You have given me a reason to continue living. Didn't read the spam, but thanks 4 saving me
@ChrisChristie Would you rather a gay man and gay woman marry unhappily or that two gays marry each other happily?
@petridishes It seems Wisconsin has been sex ed than Pennsylvania. Except Wisconsin politicians found that aspirin does not work.
@petridishes My favorite President is fellow Penn grad William Henry Harrison. Every President should say his or her piece, and then leave.
@yokoono When you do write about your childhood, is there something you hope we learn most from your experiences?
@amber_benson They had people pillows years ago in Japan. I am creeped out that the American versions have no heads. We are sick people.
@NicholasEMullin Thanks for the spam. I didn't check the link, but I appreciate your thinking of me to spam.
@petridishes Yeah,using aspirin for birth control wasn't that costly, until the women got pregnant.
@geneweingarten I believe even priests believe using aspirin does not really count as using birth control.
@geneweingarten Oops, joke would have been funier if I didn't read it ships free. I am now to this ebay fad. I wonder if this fad will last.
@geneweingarten As the current highest bidder, I have to ask. If I win this, do I have to pick it up or can toilet seat be mailed?
@petridishes If a member of Congress gets too hysterical, he just takes an aspirin. Which, by the way, also doubles for birth control.
@petridishes I am glad that Jeremy Lin is finally bringing Harvard the prestige it deserves.
@petridishes Seriously, if you support someone only because you think they can win, you are not supporting someone for a reason.
@petridishes You think Romney has an electablity problem? He trails a DOG in New Jersey (no, I don't mean Snookie) :http://whatexitnj.com/?p=857
@amber_benson Come to think of it, those complaining about something foul in the air felt better every time I left the room....
@amber_benson I am very sorry to hear this. Hope you are all better now, or soon will be. FYI: Some complained about something in the air.
@amber_benson My problem with Valentine's Day is Cupid's arrow is hunting deer and I'm venison.
@geneweingarten I know it did not rhyme. Better than "Roses are red, violets are blue, Hearing they are blue, is like an error by a NY Met."
@geneweingarten Roses are red, violets are violet. Hearing they are blue, Makes me sigh a lot.
@petridishes See, Santorum was right after all. Anyway, I've been called worse than a goat. Should I also send you a marriage propopsal?
#LeftMyHeartInSanFrancisco because I hate this heart shaped candy. #RejectedCandyHearts
@geneweingarten The first three letters of Manning are Man, as in You're the Man. (What's Eli's middle name?)
@robertawalker7 What is this about dating hot Russian women? Are they sick? They should take care of those fevers.
@geneweingarten Bad first names: Fuku, Hora, Mitt, Clamydia, Newt, Veedee, Leon, Hooker, and Barack.
@geneweingarten If ya can't rhyme on a dime you ain't sublime anytime. You mean ain't and hate ain't rhymin then my therasurus is denyin
@geneweingarten Yeah, homie, we should stop da hate. Let us end this big debate.
@petridishes I always thought a Super Bowl party would have some soup. I am always disappointed.
@neilelikv Thanks for the shout out. I really appreciate hearing from my fans with no followers who are following no one.
@TheFix I'd love to read about 17th century Massachusetts political deals...oh, wait....never mind.
@petridishes Romney has a perfectly good explanation. He misspoke when he said he misspoke. It's not his fault.
@petridishes Yes, an endorsement from a New York City developer in Las Vegas is exactly what will swing undecided Religious Right voters.
@geneweingarten I ignored your Groundhog Daytweet yesterday just as I will today, and the next day.
@petridishes Our Governor saw his shadown and announced no more state government spending for six weeks.
@celebritology If "Modern Family" means a drug dependant celebrity mother, than Britney Spears will be a natural.
@petridishes I believe Romney was brainwashed in Vietnam to state he doesn't care about the very poor.
@geneweingarten Klout? I can't even convince a street light to change. It just stays red whenever it sees me.
@ayeletw Wow, this brings meaning to the old slogan "if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrement."
@petridishes The pythons are registered voters, are defending their right to hunt for deer, ahd hope Eric Idle will join their reunion.
@celebritology Hey, just because I don't wear dress well, you don't have to call me a sloth.
@amber_benson That would be great. I'll see you at show. I'll be the guy who was wearing a red rose but lost it earlier that day.
@amber_benson Group is regulars not connected with show itself. Some industry people, some fans, a few serial killers, the usual LA crowd.
@amber_benson If you will join group, will buy dinner and provide you with free chocolate ants. They taste good, and they're less filling.
@amber_benson Posted quick review. I'm not chicken. Don't need lunch, yet if you are free after Hollywood Show, know group would like Q&A.
@petridishes So, when you see Owen Wilson, are you in 1924 or in 2011?
@amber_benson "Create 56". What you do when someone asks you to come up with 55 more excuses.
@EricaLScott Thank you. Asking for journalistic interest. I bet you are way ahead of those furries, ifonly because they can't see each other
@petridishes Could not fit full EricaLScott response to you. Find it interesting more couples emerge there than from airplane watchers.
@petridishes FYI: @SexiestLyingWit I'm not the one to ask, I'm afraid. I know of a few Shadow Lane marriages, but T&E would know a lot more.
@amber_benson "Create" is word I am sending in. I believe I only had a minute to answer. Don't know what I am doing, but never stopped me.
@ReliableSource Great, now publicists are going to ask celebrities to make 911 calls on purpose.
@amber_benson Is "apple pie" a wrong answer?
@EricaLScott To the best of your knowledge, about how many marriages have resulted from people meeting at Shadowlane conventions?
@amber_benson Pick an integer between 1 and 3. I will now concentrate. Is it 2? Is it? Is it?
@amber_benson Only if you can tell me that what number I am thinking of. If you guess 56, you are correct.
@petridishes This may not be the tree that tormented Tantalus, but more the torment Tantalus felt while dating. http://pic.twitter.com/xGO9ImRF
@petridishes Who would go further on American Idol, Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?
@YokiQandA @yokoono Is eternity an approximation?
@MonicaHesse OK, what book are you pitching and when may we read it? (Interesting title "S%#tloads" ).
@geneweingarten My all time crime story "Fish Bites Dog". Police determined a bird dropped a fish into a backyard and the fish bit the dog.
@amber_benson It could be worse, you could be a guy buying tampons and his buddies line up behind him.
@petridishes I believe during those debates, Santorum was standing there thinking about where he put his receipts for his taxes.
@DonyaX2797 You write "I love having sex on the moon next summer." So, you must be a Gingrich supporter?
@HillaryClinton You are not burned out because you don't want the Republican debates. You would be burned out if you did.
@petridishes Would Saul Alinsky be proud that he continues to inspire public protest organization....by conservatve Republicans?
@celebritology My apologies for the earlier tweet wondering where you are. I am very sorry to hear you are facing sadness. My symphathies.
@Leiaql356 Thank you for the message. So, does "Pat Sajak is drunk" ever work as a pick up line?
@geneweingarten Wait, I think that is Demi Moore without make up. Now we know what she was doing before she had her seizure.
@celebritology An "Office" spin off about Dwight's beet farm may upset Gingrich, because we all know cane sugar hides behind beet sugar.
@petridishes 2013: Newt neuters self, becomes NewtNeutered Gingrich, or just plain Gingrich the Great.
@petridishes You missed how Next came up with the idea for "The Cavemen" TV series.
@LadyGrew Feel free to use my Tweets and stuff for your routine. Just let me know how badly the jokes bombed. Sure you are funnier on own.
@geneweingarten Germans named the elbow after the famous elbow pushing celebrity Ellen Bogeneres.
@TheFix Cheer up Newt. So what if Reagan barely knew you? Reagan barely knew Vice President Bush, or most of his Cabinet.
@petridishes You can bring water to a horse, and the horse will likely eventually drink it.
@petridishes As I learned at Wharton (do they teach this at Harvard?), you may fool some of the people some of the time, so profit from it.
@RepWeiner How come you haven't tweeted since June 1? You really should keep these accounts active.
@petridishes When William Shatner self-deportates, is he on Priceline or Star Trek?
@MittRomney Hey, $21.7 million is still middle class. It is when you hit $22 million that you become crazy rich.
@geneweingarten We are worried that you cancelled at 11. We hope you are OK. May we bring you some chicken soup, maybe a new poop joke?
@geneweingarten Then I have a conscience who doesn't care if I mess up, just go ahead and enjoy myself. That conscience is named George W.
@geneweingarten I have a deeper conscience who fires me from what I am doing that is bad. That conscience is named Mitt.
@geneweingarten My conscience tells me the historical reasons behind what I've done wrong. My conscience is named Newt.
@TheFix So, basically your idea of a good President is one who promises not to hire a circus actor to carry the nuclear football.
@petridishes No, airport security is more like getting groped while your mother is also getting groped.
@amber_benson I have no problem with your bagged cat, just as long as you don't tape bacon to the cat. So wrong, so wrong.
@DickButkis Your prediction when Paterno was fired would lead to him dying soon was correct. http://www.philly.com/philly/sports/colleges/137866458.html
@geneweingarten Left my wife and 14 kids, let the 4F kid do what's right.
@amber_benson I'd tweet how great "Drones" is to all my followers, but I only have one real follower. I'll just call and tell her.
@geneweingarten Reminds me of the cats who sense something when a person is dying. I sometimes think animals are smarter then us.
@geneweingarten I have little idea what dogs think, yet they do seem to react differently to someone gone from death than away for awhile.
@geneweingarten If you meant the woman, if you can find one who pees in the sink, she can pee in the snow.
@geneweingarten Which? I grew up with dogs and they moped for days when family members or another dog was no longer around.
@geneweingarten I'll send further info next time. By the way, how many women can pee in the snow better than men? Of course, there are some.
@geneweingarten If I may be not funny on a sad subject, yet happily this may be wrong. Dogs may not understand but I have seen them react.
@geneweingarten Thank you for the retweet, from the bottom of my heart, one of which hopefully will be saved someday by someone.
@geneweingarten This is hilarious. A British soldier literally saved Saddam Hussein's butt.
@MonicaHesse I am not sure how to preserve Kim Jong Il, but I read you may preserve his jeans in a freezer.
@RickSantorum If gay sex is equivlanet to beastiality,of what is an open marriage the equivalent, maybe sex with vacuums?
Leon Tchaikovsky
Wow, 1500 tweets for my 30 followers. I hope each follower enjoyed the 50 tweets meant just for them.
Now trending: #NewJonasAlbumWillBeAmazing if #PatBuchanan sings on it.
If a Republican believes both an embryo and a corporation is a person, then the key to birth control is to date more corporations.
Very sad to hear Whitney died. Will her TV show continue without her? Oh, wait, nevermind. @whitneycummings
Memo to conservative commentators: Don't hit someone with your car when leaving a gay bar. Pay better attention to what you are doing always
Now trending: #StupidThingsPeopleDo #ReplaceFilmTitlesWithVagina (not, of course, that I would do that...)
...and Jerry Mathews in "Leave It to Vagina" #ReplaceFilmTitlesWithVagina
Vaginia Dialogues (wait, that doesn't work) #ReplaceFilmTitlesWithVagina
RIP Anthony Shadid, a man who put himself in danger to bring us the truth, has died.
Well, gang, anyday I'm marrying my pillow, using aspirin for birth control, and bidding on a used toilet has to be a productive day.
Dear Rick Santorum: There would be no need for birth control if people can marry their pillows.
I will not give up until people are allowed to legally marry their pillows.
Right when I thought the weirdest thing I would hear all day is Romney driving 12 hours with his dog on his hood, then this aspirin thing...
I can see it now, an ad in a future Republican newsletter: SWM with aspirin fetish seeks woman. Sorry, no Santorum.
If you believe holding an aspirin between your knees keeps you from being pregnant, you don't get what part of you gets pregnant.
Players in bars: "Hey, baby, you have a headache? Wanna come to my place. I have aspirin."
I told a woman I never take aspirin, and she called me a pervert.
Does baby aspirin still work in preventing babies?
How Santorum Republicans tell if their wives are cheating on them: Count the number of aspirins in the jars.
FYI: I have no daughter in real life. I have no children. I guess my late wife used aspirin all that time.
If a doctor ever tells my daughter to take two aspirin, I hope she slaps his face.
Or: Sex in Santorum supporters' households: Yes, tonight, dear, I have a headache and an aspirin.
Sex in Santorum supporters' households: Yes, tonight, dear, I have an aspirin.
Again, bestiality equals gay sex. Aspirin is birth control. Just how bad is sex education in Pennsylvania, Mr. Santorum?
Now trending #GIrlsLoveWhen I bid on a used toilet seat.
The injustice of this world. I have just been outbid on Ebay on a used toilet. Words I never expected to write when I awoke.
What do Iran, Israel, Pakistan, and India have that Tom Brady doesn't have? The bomb.
Oddly now trending: #3wordstodescibeme #MyLord (which shows a fallible Lord since that is only two words)
The news that someone had a heart attack eating at the Heart Attack Grill fulfills a news event we've all been expecting since it opened.
I love all dogs, but, seriously, did a fat rat just win Best of Show at the Westminster Dog Show?
My condolenses to friends and fans of Chris Brown, whose death has been falsely reported on this Internet thingy. #RIPChrisBrown
I have no problem spending Valentine's Day alone, I just wish that it wasn't that I do so by such popular demand.
If you can read this you have really great eyesight because this font is like teeny tiny to fit onto a candy, you know?. #CandyHeartRejects
Yeah, I'd do ya. #CandyHeartRejects
The Governor wants to cut Tourette's funding. No sh*t the f*#$ker gets the cr^% away with that a##$&le move.
College students state they want the morning after pill removed from their vending machines. They say the pills need more sugar, salt & fat.
Friend found water stain on table at Samba at Universal Citywalk that looks like John Lennon. Expect table will now be sold on ebay.
Tanks to David Soul for being so cool with fans after Hollywood Show. What a class act.
A problem being a comedy writer with Asbergers is realing when people are not laughing with you but at you.
All the best to "LA Underwire" cast and crew. Demand this pilot be on next season's schedule. Threaten to kill yourselves. That might work.
98% of Catholic women use birth control. 2% are either nuns or have 7 or more cats.
Now trending: #ThoughtsWhenYouLookInTheMirron #ThereIsAPanis who is a sobriety test if you are female and alone, or another kind of test.
Of the 98% of Catholic women who use contraception, how many support a candidate who would deny contraception to others?
I like it when a New York team when a championshipship. Happens so often, the public doesn't care to riot.
Rioting in Boston last night? No, the rules are: your team has to win first, then you may riot.
Why do people shove people aside boarding airplanes. The plane doesn't arrive any faster for those who get on the plane first.
My condolenses to friends and fans of Eddie Murphy, whose death was incorrectly reported and is trending on Twitter. #RIPEddieMurphy
Dead Puppies Aren't Fun #BadCampaignThemeSongs
I'm the Only Hell My Momma Ever Raised #BadCampaignThemeSongs
It's Not Easy Being Green #BadCampaignThemeSongs (although would work for Roseanne Barr)
You Can't Always Get What You Want #BadCampaignThemeSongs
Crazy by Patsy Kline #BadCampaignThemeSongs (and Ross Perot never learned)
Springtime for Hitler #BadCampaignThemeSongs
The Garry Shadling Show Theme Song #BadCampaignThemeSongs
An intellectual political rap song is one that believes Mitt and Newt rhyme.
To my weird uncle: #MySexLifeAsASongTitle How Much Is That Doggy in the Window?
I want to see Presidential candidates Roseanne Barr and Stephen Colbert debate.
Is it wrong to pray that people will quit praying that their team win the Super Bowl?
Now when parents say to wear your mitts, they are asking you to place a Romney placard on your back.
My condolenses to friends and fans of Soulja Boy, whose death has been falsely spread on the Internet. May we remember.
Steel cuttings oatmeal. #terriblebreakfastspecials
Wow, McDonald's was using a chemical "generally recognized as safe". And you were all out there loving it?
Mitt Romney states he doesn't care about the very poor? Duh. Tell us something we don't already know.
A rebuttal is when Kim Kardashian gets plastic surgery.
Mayan exhibit at Penn Museum to close on Jan 13, 2013, or when the world ends, whichever comes first.
No "now trending" news for moment. I am not touching any joke about #5DolloarFootLongs and anything trending regarding Black History Month.
Mr. I Earn Multi Millions a Year But Never Have Change for the Parking Meter #RomneySecretServiceCodeName
Now trending: #Top5MeanGirlQuotes: #FourNipplesAreBetterThanTwo and I guess one more mean thing.
I managed to reply to myself. Is that like talking to yourself?
Some illusionists hide all 52 cards on themselves then "amazingly" pull out matching card. Must remember to remove cards before laundering.
The Chinese government has denounced poetry. Well, our next Ambassador better not be from Nantucket.
Being dyslexic, I always call 119. They never answer.
Now trending: #IfThereWasntAnyPolice you would never realize it should be "if there weren't any police."
If you require a puppet to explain to you that Fox News is not news, you are probably going to continue watching Fox News.
Now trending, the first trend that is a laugh all by itself: #FourNipplesAreBetterThanTwo unless you are a confused plastic surgeon.
If a groundhog can control six weeks of weather, the delicate balance faces severe organizational dysfunctions.
I don't mind the press not calling me as a source something like "Deep Throat." I mind them naming me "Touching Over Clothes."
They had a beauty contest for Miss Gwetfoihnfgoigprwenjkhpopjbvklmsadboinbds. No contestant was tall enough for the sash.
A place where everyone knowns your name, but none can pronounce it. #Gwetfoihnfgoigprwenjkhpopjbvklmsadboinbds
I am heading to Gwetfoihnfgoigprwenjkhpopjbvklmsadboinbds. I can never remember if it ends with "inbds" or "enbds".
The fact that Ron Paul has won one more Delegate than has Jon Huntsman tells me....absolutely nothing.
In a surprise, Alfalfa Club nominates Jeb Bush as its candidate for President. Why didn't Alfalfa & Spanky endorse their teacher Ron Paul?
Now trending: #100kFriday which is Romney's hourly salary.
Now trending: #ThingsBlackFolksArgueAbout: #DemiMoore She can create quite a division of thought.
Now trending #30WaysToPleaseAWoman: #NationalChocolateCakeDay. Wonder what the other 29 are? Oh, that is all 30.
My condolenses to fans and friends of Cher, whose death was incorrectly reported earlier today. #RIPCher
A vampire is running for Delegate in Penna. committed to Ron Paul. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. He has fangs and claims to be a vampire, HONEST.
2014: President Santorum leaves world leaders summit, says he'd rather be home doing his taxes.
Seriously kids, drinking alcohol is not good for you. Don't do it. If you do drink, you may wind up hosting a game show.
It is OK, Pat Sajak. I've heard rumors there was once a member of Congress who worked drunk.
Seriously, hosting "Wheel of Fortune" drunk is not exactly working machinery, driving, piloting, or even requiring much thinking.
Google thinks I am an adroid from the future that was killed by the Terminator several years ago.
Thx to PlsFckMe for becoming my 30th follower...no, wait...sigh. Back to 29 followers...now 28.
Well, "Blue Bloods" sadly is fiction. In reality, NYPD Commissioner's son accused of rape. http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/greg-kelly-son-york-police-commissioner-accused-rape-050237772--abc-news.html
Now trending: #WeLoveJustin #OnlyInReadingHigh. I did not know his popularity had slipped so much.
There are days when you photograph your butt at work, the boss finds the photo, doesn't recognize what it is, and puts it on a report cover.
It would be earier to not call it class warfare if the wealthy were not financially shelling the lower incomed.
It will be more difficult for Mitt Romney to pass through the eye of a needle, but he is able to hire people to help him do that.
Now trending: #HighSchoolMemories back when we trained for the #NavySeals
"I do find it cute that you put your nine cats dancing on YouTube. I do find it disturbing that you own nine cats." #linesoverheard
What? The women who all wanted to have sex all dropped following me? (I guess they actually read my tweets, saw my photo...)
Obama: Look at Kerry's face. That's what I do to Senators that I like.
Wow, I tweet about Rep. Weiner and seven women claiming they want to have sex are now following me.
Does anyone else get the feeling that Saul Alinsky would never have voted for any of the Republican Presidential candidates?
The most damaging revelation in Romney's tax returns is that his real first name is Willard.
Damaging numbers: Obama 32%, Gingrich 26%, Romney 14%. Not public opinion numbers, they are % of income each paid in taxes.
Sadly, beet sugar hide behind cane sugar, but they both denied algae, which is the best of them all but has no lobbyist.
OK, my break is over. I am back tweeting.
Sorry, Twitter followers, but I am joining with Demi Lovato is taking a break from tweeting. Sorry to disappoint you,
A woman says to a poop "I'm sorry, my parents won't let me date you. They're bigots."
A poop walks into a Cardinal's office. The Cardinals yells to his secretary "no, I asked you to call for the Pope."
A poop turns to a biker in bar and inquires "Just who are you calling excrement?"
Did he hear the father of a poop exploded? Pop poop popped.
One poop says to another, "I'd marry her, but she's such a poopyhead."
Now trending: Is #AlbertBrooks #ManOrMuppet?
2 poops walk into the Republican Presidential debates. Security sees them and escorts them to their podiums.
2 poops walk into a car dealership. They receive a professional courtesy discount.
2 poops walk into a restaurant. One says "I don't want to eat anything, food just goes right through me."
2 poops walk into a rundown bar. One says "be careful, you don't want to step in anything." @geneweingarten
Alex Baldwin named SAG Foundation Ambassador. Great, give him more chances of getting thrown off an airplane.
I like how TSA tells you what they are doing, as if you couldn't fell it: "Now running hand across your zipper" "Hand now inside underwear"
Twitter recommends I follow "JonHuntsman". I fear this request may be a bit too late....#NotTrending:JonHuntsman
Thank you TSA for protecting us from having to fly on the same airplanes as do U.S. Senators.
I ran into some kyrptonite in this high altitude, did not die despite hopes of Westboro Baptists, and am back on Twitter.
What's this "Year of the Dragon"? Hollywood marketing researches distinctly concluded this was a year of vampires.
Today is National Pie Day. Tomorrow is National Wash Pie Plates Day.
Being blasted by extreme solar power. Expect super powers to develop any moment now....Still waiting...Still waiting.
This could be the first Republican National Convention where "None of the Above" is nominated.
I don't mind that Westboro Baptist Church plans to protest at my funeral. I mind they think I am dead.
It is against the Constitution to detain and paw a member of Congress while are traveling to and from Congress.
Hackers wipe out http://cbs.com. Sadly, they failed to destroy the CBS programming.
If Mitt Romney falls any further, he may consider leaving his wife for a trophy wife.
I hate this. I was walking down the hallway and I accidentally tripped into a lifeboat.
First doublehand transplant ever has been performed. Wouldn't it have been better to have left both hands where they were?
Now trending: #Let'sStayTogether, #PresidentObama (and) #NextGingrich. Yet will it be an open relationship?
As we discuss preserving a communist leader and saving a dictator's butt, is it conincidence that #RedTails is trending?
"How to Become the Perfect Party Hostess" book hint one: Become a member of British royalty and have servants take care of everything.
I believe I was correct when I predicted Rick Perry would not run for President. No way you may call what he did running for President.
Now trending: #PeopleShouldStop #Rick Perry
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 11:17 AM
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