Numerous Studies Show Men are Whacked

A new breed of scorpion has reportedly been discovered. I warned this would happen when more young people continued becoming entertainment agents.

Had a funny experience. I entered a cab, quickly noticed the cab driver's dashboard sign that read “I love Jenna”, so later, as we were making conversation, I asked “is Jenna your girl friend?” He immediately panicked and asked how I knew about him and Jenna (well, I was thinking, your sign proclaiming to the world that you love Jenna might be a clue). He seemed very nervous and wondered if I was there to “deal with him” over his affair with Jenna. I couldn’t figure out why he thought his relationship with Jenna was supposed to be such a secret until I took a second look at his sign and realized it really read “I love Jesus.”

I saw a booth that was trying to get people to adopt retired greyhounds (the dogs, not the buses. Retired buses are,,,well, actually, they are never retired. They are still on the road.) This made me wonder: is there a place that also gets people to adopt retired human athletes? When you think about it, there are lots of athletes especially from minor league sports who are thrown aside and forgotten by their teams when they get too old. Who takes care of them?

I have an idea for a t-shirt to be sold. It’ll read “My father got whacked by the Cosa Nostra, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

Speaking of which, with the recent Supreme Court decision affirming the right to assisted suicides, all future Cosa Nostra whackings will be relabeled as assisted involuntary suicides.

We had a bomb threat today. It didn’t surprise me: a lot of bad movies are always released in January.

The pitcher who led the major leagues in losing games last season just signed a $4.15 million contract. That does not include various performance bonuses, such as, next season, coming in second or better in losses.

A new study says men enjoy watching suffering. Which explains much of television programming.

Another study claims that the instances of prison forced sex are far fewer than previously believed. Apparently men don’t really want to see that much suffering.

Philadelphia is considering starting a single sex only public school. Objecting to this are hermaphrodites.