I Challenge Brad Pitt to a DNA Test

The continuing news that Angelina Jolie might be pregnant continues. As this blog reported in July, Angelina Jolie is not pregnant. We stand by that statement. Although, should she give birth in May or before, we may consider issuing a rebuttal, but probably not. We’ll just pretend we never said anything. Although, perhaps Angelina Jolie has become pregnant since we reported she is not pregnant. But I doubt that, as I am certain she is saving herself until she decides to have a child with me.

A woman died in Cincinnati over two years ago and her family left her body sitting in front of a television. In other words, she fits the description of a typical Fox News viewer.

I never understood the mentality of people who invest in hedge funds. A hedge fund investor is like someone who goes to a roulette wheel, places two chips on “black” and then places one chip on “red”. This same person who be seen crying uncontrollably whenever the wheel lands on “green”.

There is a debate on a study that claims that praying increasing the chances of a woman getting pregnant. Which has to be a blow to all those fathers who sent their daughters to church hoping to prevent that very thing.

The press reports that an egg farmer was arrested for animal cruelty. What? He was seen cracking eggs and then beating the eggs?

A man knows a relationship with a woman is getting serious when he looks at the woman he is dating and starts considering those questions about marriage. Questions such as: is this woman capable of taking good care of half my stuff after the divorce? Would she be as attentive to car maintenance as you are to your car?

Legislation is being proposed that will prohibit imposters from calling themselves the names of defunct bands. So, until that proposal is enacted into law, I wish to announce that my new band, the Beatles, will be touring soon.

My close and personal friend Rupert just spend $580 million to buy the MySpace website company. Dude, you could have bought my site for a third that. Some people just have too much money. Poor guy. He earlier bought a baseball team and messed that all up. I think I need to get some friends together for an intervention: this guy obviously has no idea what he’s doing.

Speaking of baseball, I understand the Angels are considering another name change. They will soon be known as the North America Angels.

Joe Paterno is going to apologize for his insensitivity when he stated “a cute girl knocks on the door. What do you do? Geez, I hope—thank God they don’t knock on my door because I’d refer them to a couple of other rooms.” Paterno is going to admit that was totally insensitive, and to show that he has since become sensitive, anytime a cute girl knocks on his door, she will be welcome to stay.