If You See Me in an Australian Porn Video, I Can Explain

If you see me in an Australian porn video, I can explain.

Now that I have already had to explain my possibly being in a Danish porn video, I realize that I it is getting more and more difficult to explain how I may accidentally get into these situations. For those who missed my earlier explanation, when I did a tour for the TV show “Sex and the City”, a Danish film crew came along, which we thought nothing about. Suddenly, in the midst of the tour, the crew packed up quickly and left. Someone came over laughing and explained they thought it was a sex tour. They were not familiar with the television show. One woman was upset, because she had been asked by one of the crew, on camera, in broken English “how often do sex in the city?” She has explained they she “did” “Sex in the City” every Sunday at 9 pm, and that it lasts half an hour.

The Australian porn video explanation is at the end, because I am cruel and I make readers read to the end.

Recently, I did a quick two city book reading tour in Philadelphia and New York City. Both book readings struck me as unusual because it apparently never struck anyone that the object of these events, in other cities, is to sell books. At both events, the books were not available (although, to be fair, in one case, the book’s publishing had been delayed.)

The Philadelphia event was sad, because it was a group of readings in support of independent book stores. What the independent book store failed to realize is what the big chains know: you have to have books in order to sell books.. And, you need an audience. I quickly realized this was primarily authors reading to other authors. The authors wore name tags. I surmised I was just about the only person in the audience without a name tag, and after failing to correctly answer the question as to what book I have written, I felt out of place. I was there to buy books, and the authors were reading from their books but had not brought their books to the book store (which, rumor has it, sells books) to sell. The author of a particular book I wanted to read offered to send me the book for free. I declined, stating that I wanted to support authors, and he need not do that. After awhile, as news began circulating that the Bush Administration was infiltrating suspicious radical groups without a warrant, and being the only person there who was not a book author (scripts and humor doesn’t count), and we all know the Bush Administration fears anyone who writes or thinks, I felt more and more out of place as the authors prodded me for more information for their background checks. I quickly fled for New York.

The New York event had the right idea: hold it in a bar. Get the patrons drunk and then sell them some books. Again, though, there were no books to be sold (although I did get an author to sell a copy she had in her pocketbook: I was definitely returning with at least one book from this tour). The book readings were fun, and an Australian video operator was at the event. He stated he was representing a fetish film maker, since the readings included fetish themes. (During the break, I was asked if I had a corduroy fetish because I was wearing corduroy pants. I must admit: I have never been asked that question before in my life. I was wearing corduroy because there was a transit strike and it was freezing. Although, if there are corduroy fetish people out there, I am willing to sell photos on me wearing my corduroy. Contact my agent. I might even be available for some plaid shirt and overall photos.)

The video camera kept taking shots of me, which make me feel self-conscious as I was sitting alone and probably looked like a lonely corduroy fetish freak. So, people in Australia, please don’t judge us solitary corduroy pants wearers. We’re human, too.

I am not sure exactly what an Australian fetish film is like. Yet, if it winds out that, like my Danish experience, this is another porn video, let me repeat: if you see me in an Australian porn video, I can explain.