Inside the Ovaltine Office, Washedupington, D.C.

INT. THE OVALTINE OFFICE, WASHEDUPINGTON, D.C.

(Bush, Dick Cheney, and Condi walk around the room discussing matters.)

CONDI
As leader of the free world, we need to act.

DICK
I hear you.

BUSH
I think she meant me, not you, Mr. Vice President.

DICK
Sorry, Mr. President, I forget we pretend to let you lead.

BUSH
That’s what Laura said at our prom.

CONDI
We need to do something about world hunger.

BUSH
Good idea. I’ll order some Chinese, Mexican, and Italian for dinner.

CONDI
No. We have to do something about people who are hungry in other countries.

BUSH
Why? Let them order their own food.

CONDI
I’m referring to people starving in other countries.

BUSH
So what? They’re not campaign contributors. I’ve got rich contributors hungry for more business right here in America.

CONDI
What we need to do is send food to other countries to keep them fed enough so they’ll grow food that will keep rich Americans fed.

BUSH
That’s sounds confusing, even more confusing over why you convinced me not to look for weapons of mass destruction that didn’t exist so we could go to war to prevent them from being used.

DICK
And it’s working. The weapons of mass destruction that didn’t exist haven’t been used against us. Mission accomplished.

BUSH
So why don’t we just eat the food while it’s here. Why should we send it to other countries just to get other food?

DICK
It’s like this. Remember the part of the Republican that elected us: the Religious Right?

BUSH
You mean those crazies who keep talking about ethics and morals, as if that has anything to go with government?

CONDI
Do you remember the issues that are most important to the Religious Right?

BUSH
Sure do. The Christian Coalition states they top priorities are tax cuts, ending abortions, and preventing gay marriages. Which always confuses me because Jesus didn’t say a thing about any of those things.

DICK
It seems there is a small segment within the religious community who think it is not right to let people in other countries starve to death. Apparently the starving people make it onto television and makes us all look bad.

BUSH
Well, what am I supposed to do about that? I could give them a tax break and tell them all to go out and get jobs.

MIKE
Mr. President, there is another problem that needs addressing?

BUSH
Who are you?

MIKE
I’m Mike Leavitt, your Secretary of Health and Human Services.

BUSH
I have all these secretaries and yet I can’t get one secretary to order my dinner.

MIKE
Mr. President, obesity has become a national problem. Diabetes, heart disease, and cancer are all rapidly increasing and they are all linked to the national obesity epidemic.

BUSH
Ow, my head is going through a hurtification. These are too many problems to deal with, obesity, tax breaks, world hunger.

DICK
Would it help if I make you laugh? I could go out and shoot another lawyer. Mike Leavitt, you’re not a lawyer, are you?

BUSH
Wait, I have a solution to these dilemnaifactions. I will declare it to be the patriotic duty of rich, obese American to accept tax credits for liposuction. We’ll take the fat of our land, process it into food chunks to be sent overseas to feed starving people so they may work have to send back to our country to that we may consume the food, become fat again, and quality for more tax credits.

MIKE
Mr. President, once again you’ve amazed us all.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE

(Chris speaks to the camera. Bush and Pedro are off to the side at first.)

CHRIS (a fat person, perhaps with some type of drainable liquid hidden inside his or her shirt connected to a drain tube)

I am a typical middle class American struggling to meet loans and mortgages on my home, my business, my car, my limo, and my yacht. I eat a typical everyday American diet of Starbucks, McDonalds, Smith and Wollensky, Starbucks, Ruth’s Christ Steak House, Starbucks, and McDonald’s for a night cap before hitting the bars.

By doing so,. I am doing my patriotic duty to get fat so I may support our American institutions that are the foundation of our society: the corporate food companies and food distributors who sacrifice greatly to allow us to eat fat and sugar until we become fat.

It is time for me to give back to this country and the corporations that have made our country, and made me, as big as we are today. This is why I voluntarily sacrifice the very fat from my body and proudly accept a tax credit against my interest income for liposuction that I then invest back into making me and this country bigger still.

BUSH
Hi, I’m President Bush. Not only am I glad to provide this patriotic American with a tax credit, but there’s more. Meet Pedro.

PEDRO
Hello.

BUSH
(to Pedro)
Don’t talk. Just look pitiful.

(to viewers)
Now, Pedro is from Uruaganda or somewhere in one of the large continents with a lack of single family homes. Zahir is a hard working farmer raising rice…

PEDRO
Coca.

BUSH
Coca, which brings lots of hot cocoa on those cold mornings.

PEDRO
Yeah, hot cocoa. We’ll go with that story.

BUSH
Now Carlos here…

PEDR0
Pedro.

BUSH
Whoever he is, he doesn’t have enough to eat to be a productive farmer. One can’t ingest coca all the time and feel energized to be a full productive worker.

ZAHIR
You should know sir.

BUSH
So please help Miguel out and donate your fat for a tax credit to fight world hunger.

PEDRO
And I am hungry. Are there any cheese and crackers left in the green room?

CHRIS
And it’s simple to do. Look.

(Chris activates the liquid passing through the tube.)

BUSH
So Juan, doesn’t that look yummy?

PEDRO
Hello no. I want cheese and crackers.

BUSH
And Alberto can literally live off the fat of America. Here, Alberto, drink some.

PEDRO
No way. You drink it.

BUSH
Alright, I will.

(Bush drinks some a glass of liquid.)

BUSH
Ahh, the fat of rich Americans always nourishes me and my administration.

(Dick runs into the office.)

DICK
Sorry, Mr. President, but I have to shut this operation down.

BUSH
But, I was going to give myself the Presidential Medal of Honor for this.

DICK
The environmentalists are onto us.

BUSH
Curses. Let me guess, they claim this somehow leads to global warming, as if global warming is even a real thing.

DICK
No, it turns out this fat can be converted into oil.

PEDRO
You mean this fat can help solve the energy crisis? They why shut down this operations?

DICK
You idiot. We don’t want to solve the energy crisis.

BUSH
Yeah, Juanita, where’s the profit in that?

PEDRO
My bad…Hey, guys, anyone where want to buy some…hot cocoa powder?

EXT. MILLVILLE, NEW JERSEY

(Noah Anderson does not observe Bush behind him)

BUSH (speaking through megaphone)
Noah. Noah Anderson of Millville, New Jersey.

NOAH (looking around but not seeing Bush)
Yeah? Who’s this?

BUSH
This is the voice of God.

(Noah drops to his knees.)
NOAH
God? Is that you, God?

BUSH
God no. This is President Bush, the self-appointed voice of God.

NOAH (laughs and rises to his feet)
Ahh, you got me.

BUSH
Did I say to get up?

NOAH (falls back onto his knees)
No…ahh…am I under arrest?

BUSH
No, although, under the Patriot Act, I can easily arrange that if I wanted.

NOAH
What do you want?

BUSH
I want you to buy a yacht.

NOAH
But, I can’t afford a yacht.

BUSH
I’ll raise the tax breaks for buying yachts.

NOAH
OK.

BUSH
Then I want you to gather animals.

NOAH
And you want me to then put the animals onto the yacht?

BUSHNo, barbecue them. You’ll be serving them as food at cotillions.

NOAH
Cotillions?

BUSH
Yes, I want you to build a high white sands beach in the middle of Millville.

NOAH
A beach? In the of Millville? But that’s crazy.

BUSH
That’s not crazy and believe me, I know crazy.

NOAH
Why build a beach in the interior of New Jersey?

BUSH
I’ll level with you.

NOAH
OK.

BUSH
This global warming…turns out it’s true. Looks like small villages such as New York City, Newark, Princeton will all be wiped out. The new shoreline, turns out, will be along your property in Millville.

NOAH
Wow,

BUSH
So, here’s the deal. You build the beach, the yacht dealership, swanky hotels, cheap motels, and we’ll split it evenly, 60-60. We’ll both be rich beyond our wildest dreams.

NOAH
But you could get America to lead by example and get the world to work together to prevent global warming.

BUSH
I said…we’ll be rich by our wildest dreams.

NOAH (slaps his forehead)
Of course.

(Bush out tube and liquid from previous sketch)

BUSH
Plus, look at this great drink we can sell.

INT. STARSUCKS COFFEE SHOT

PAT
Welcome to Starsucks Coffee Shot.

JOE
What’s the difference between your Greek coffee and your Columbian coffee?

PAT
The Greek coffee is make with the liposucked fat of a Greek person while the Columbina coffee is made from the liposucked fat of a Columbian person.

JOE
I’ll try it Greek style.

PAT
Good choice. You’ll be glad to know that now we’re using human fat we actually are offering coffee drinks with less fat than our rival Starbucks.

JOE
What is your Spears drink?

PAT
Try some. It’s a limited edition celebrity drink made from the fat of Brittney Spears.

JOE
There’s a hair in it.

PAT (holds a photograph of Brittney Spears bald)
That’s not possible.

JOE
It’s a small hair.

PAT
I told her to wear panties.

(Noah enters.)

NOAH
I can’t decide what I want. I’ll have two of everything.

EXT. NOAH’S BEACH
(backdrop shows many obese people on a beach)

BUSH
We’ll, they’re not laughing now. Due to global warming, I control the nation’s beachfront properties.

NOAH
Too bad Dick Cheney can’t be here with us.

BUSH
Yes, unfortunately, due to the stress of global warming, his ticker went out.

NOAH
His heart?

BUSH
No, the ticker announcing the prices of his stock investments.

(Karl Rove runs onto the beach)

KARL
Mr. President, I have urgent news. It turns out Al Gore was right after all.

BUSH
That’s not news. We both know Gore running won Florida in 2000.

KARL
No, not that. It’s the global warming. It’s worse than even we in the White House thought.

(A bucket of water hits Bush.)

BUSH (falling to the ground like the shrinking Wicked Witch.)
This is terrible. My wet clothes are ruined. I’m shrinking, I’m shrinking.

EXT. LANCASTER PENNSYLVANIA BEACH

(Dick Cheney and Pat are at a beach)

(backdrop shows a vacant beach with sign reading Lancaster, Pennsylvania)

DICK
George always was a fool. A drink, to the real new coast line.

PAT
Another Spears coffee?

DICK
No, I want something exotic and rare. Give me a Calista Flockhart coffee.