Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: The Zen of Another Religion's Holiday, or I Saw Osama Bin Laden Shopping

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

The Zen of Another Religion's Holiday, or I Saw Osama Bin Laden Shopping

The reports that the CIA, Generals in Iraq, and even the White House Chief of Staff were all advising President Bush that the war in Iraq was wrong, and the fact the Bush refused to listen to them and proceeded ahead with the war is now more upsetting now that we learn that even Secretary Rumsfeld has tried to tell Bush the war is not working. I believe that if the voice of God were to bellow down to Bush, Bush would fall to his knees in prayer and that Bush would ask, “God, why do you hate America?....You liberal.” Bush would then add “I know your son Jesus wants me to kill Iraqis.”

This was written before I went shopping:

I have to do all that stupid obligatory Christmas shopping and find things that won't be a total waste for other people who receive these things they don't want or need and will probably throw out soon after they get them, but you have to go through this ritual because society demands it, so you try and find something you think they won't throw out, which is impossible because if they needed it they already got it themselves, and after wasting hours searching for the perfect gift, you wind up buying things that you hope fits best in their trash disposers. Plus, on top of that, I may look for a coffee grinder, because someone already thought the perfect gift for me would be expensive whole bean coffee, except I can't use whole beans, which means I will probably spend more money to enjoy this gift than the actual gift, so I really would save money by my also just throwing the gift out. Have you got a sense of how I feel about the holidays?

This was written after I went shopping:

I spent two hours trying to find gifts. I felt so defeated. Last year, I actually found half-way decent gifts. What usually happens is, during the course of the year, I see something that I think someone would like, and I put it aside for a gift. This year: nothing. So, I wander the malls and came up empty. Then, I saw it: not the perfect gift, but a gift. I'll take it. Of course, it turns out they are out, except for the four on display, and the displays aren't on sale. I think: why not just put one on display and sell three more? An hour later, I see another gift: not the perfect gift, but a gift. I'll take it. They won't sell it to me. Why? Because it is only available free with $25 purchase. How much if I buy just it? $80? That makes no sense. I don't want $25 of their junk, but I have to buy $25 of stuff I don't want to get the free gift. Finally, the last step: getting it wrapped. A charity is running a gift wrapping service. They do an excellent job, and I give them more than the recommended donation. They return my money. I state they can keep it. They state they are not allowed to take donations. What charity doesn't take donations during the Christmas season? Plus, if the amount is a recommended amount, I presume that means they have to take a lower amount. But they won't take a higher amount? Where's your holiday spirit if you're a charity and you don't accept donations?

Prior to this, I wasted lots of time with a friend looking for a particular handbag for his wife. Of course, it had to be the right size, basic color, trim color, and brand name. He would find bags with three of the four requirements, but none with all four. He kept calling his wife long distance and she insisted on that particular bag. Numerous stores kept assuring him that such a bag was not available. Without even looking, I spotted the bag today. I called and let him know. Now he's upset, because he already told his wife they they no longer make the bags she wanted and he had settled on a second choice. Now there's a big display of the bags she wanted in the local department store.

By the way, I am being sympathetic this year. This year, instead of providing the operating instructions with my gifts, I am providing the information on how to easily dispose of them. That will be more practical.

While shopping, I am wondering: is it polite to tell someone they look exactly like a famous celebrity. Although, maybe he wouldn’t appreciate hearing, “hello, has anyone told you that you look just like Osama Bin Laden?”

“A man walks into a bar…” Now, that joke, up to that point, works with children. Because they visualize a man walking smack into the side of a bar.

I was recently in Texas for a political conference. A man in the elevator asked if I was in town for the equine convention. I explain, no, I was there for the political conference. The man replied, “horseshit, bullshit, it’s all the same.”

At a museum, I learned that, in a part of Guatamala, a shaman is recognized as a child by the boy’s desire to wear women’s clothing. Interesting how our society makes cross dressers as taboo, and elsewhere they are revered. If there is ever a shaman shortage, I believe our country is prepared to fill the call.

I have learned from the television shows about people who speak to the dead that the dead are very poor communicators. This is why we need an improved education system: we need to keep our language skills up for an entire lifetime, and then some.

A Christian Scientist is a Christian who believes in evolution.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

On the first day of Hanukhah, my true gave to me, one headache like you wouldn't believe.

9:03 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What was Osama buying? Does Osama give people Christmas presents?

8:25 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking of which, remember all the fake Saddam Husseins Iraq used to have to foil assassination attempts? I wonder what they are doing for a living these days.

3:09 PM


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