Deal, or Deal

HOWIE

I am How Men Do Well. Now for an episode of “Deal, or Deal”, where wealthy people are presented with deals that, well, make them even wealthier.

(mild, confused applause)

HOWIE

I have three envelopes with business deals that one of you will receive, or, one of you will receive a deal offered by…our banker. Our first guest is Mr. Rockefeller.

ROCKY (dressed in casual clothes)

No, my name is Rocky.

HOWIE

My contestant coordinator told me you were one of the Rockefellers.

ROCKY

No, I’m just Rocky, an ordinary guy.

HOWIE

Oh, well, moving on. One next guess is Mr. Ratner.

RATNER (dressed in a business suit)

You can just call me Ratty. I also am just a regular guy, like our Mayor.

HOWIE

I hold three envelopes. You can have one of these envelopes, or the deal that the banker on the phone has to offer.

But first, we have to eliminate one of the envelopes.

(Howie tears open an envelope.)

Not that one.

(Howie tears open another envelope.)

Ah, here it is. This is a deal where the public parks will be all cleaned up and patrolled around the clock for safety along with daily supervised activities for children of all ages.

(tears up the envelope)

You don’t want that deal. One envelope is a deal which will allow you use to eminent domain to condemn houses and small businesses to build a mall with chain stores that you never have to pay upkeep on. The other envelope is a deal with will allow you to use eminent domain to condemn houses and small businesses to build a sport arena. Now, you get to choose an envelope, and, Rocky, you have to choose what the banker has to offer.

ROCKY

You mean I don’t get an envelope?

HOWIE

Rocky chooses the banker’s deal. (Howie picks up a telephone.)

Rocky, the deal is the banker will give you cash for your pay check, and you only have to pay 20 per cent interest on that loan! Congratulations!

ROCKY

Huh?

HOWIE

And Mr. Ratner, which envelope do you want as your consolation prizes?

RATNER

I’m taking both of them.

(Ratner grabs the envelopes out of Howie’s hands)

Congratulations Rocky on winning tonight’s episode of Deal or Deal,

ROCKY

I won? I don’t get it.

RATNER

Oh, you’ll be getting it. You’ll need that cash to move out of your apartment when I start tearing it down.

HOWIE

Stay tuned for next week’s Deal or Deal, where executive of Halliburton fight for who gets to lead reconstruction efforts in Iraq.