Electing Your Candidate President: Priceless

CHIPPER

We now will show you how to translate what you hear on the news. Dale here will present the news as you hear it. I, Chipper, will provide a rare English translation of the news that is seldom presented.

DALE

People in Ohio confidently vote on their Diebold election machines, which have a guarantee that no outside sources can manipulate the results of the votes.

CHIPPER

A Diebold employee later admitted this claim was false and showed how the vote could be manipulated by an outside source. Diebold was fined two thousand dollars for this false claim.

DALE

Fortunately, Diebold is a company of integrity.

CHIPPER

The Chief Executive of Diebold stated at a Bush for President fundraiser that he is quote committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the President unquote.

DALE

Fortunately, the Ohio elections system as administered by the Secretary of State is completely above politics.

CHIPPER

The Secretary of State of Ohio chaired President Bush’s reelection campaign in Ohio.

DALE

Bush carried Ohio, as is confirmed by exit polls. After all, we all know exit polls are accurate indicators, as the Bush Administration challenged election results in Ukraine as the results did not match the official vote totals.

CHIPPER

Actually, the exit polls showed Kerry won Ohio.

DALE

But the press knows the vote totals were correct. Otherwise, foreign election observes would be protesting.

CHIPPER

The United States does not allow foreign election observers monitor its elections.

DALE

We all know that Bush won the election.

CHIPPER

Look, both a Carnegie Mellon Professor and a Florida elections official showed how these machines can be manipulated. And an MIT Professor showed that Florida somehow awarded Bush an additional 100,000 votes in Florida and stated there appears to be some design flaw in these machines. Plus, a Temple University statistician calculated the probability of all these exit polls being wrong, all skewed in the same direction, happens by chance only by a million to one.

DALE

Selling and designing voting machines that don’t work properly: cost: two thousand dollars.

CHIPPER

Electing your candidate President: priceless.