When Barbara Met Donald: A Love Story in Three Acts

BARBARA

I’m Barbara Walters. Today, my guest is Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

DONALD

I know you’re pleased to have me here.

BARBARA

Mr. Rumsfeld. How is the war in Iraq going?

DONALD

War? What war? We had a little police action that is all over. Mission accomplished.

BARBARA

Yet Iraq is in civil distress, our presence there is attracting terrorists from all around the region, and people are dying in Iraq at higher rates than ever before.

DONALD

It’s just a few bad criminals out there. There are people being killed all the time, even in New York City. Why, even the Vice President shot someone and you don’t see me sending troops to his hunting lodge.

BARBARA

Our troops are being met with increased insurgent attacks and terrorist bombings are escalating. Yet you said we would be greeted with flowers when we invaded Iraq.

DONALD

And we were. Just recently even I was greeted with a huge bouquet of flowers.

BARBARA

Those flowers were sent to you from your wife. Sir, our troops are being overextended. They’re being called for extended service and being called back into service after they thought their service was over. Families are being ripped apart for months and years at a time due to this war.

DONALD

Hey, it’s not my fault they didn’t read the fine print on these contracts. They knew when they volunteered for service that it was their duty to see they we never have to implement a draft, because when you create a draft, then the public really gets mad in opposing the war. See, and you thought I didn’t learn anything from Viet Nam.

BARBARA

If you learned anything from Viet Nam, haven’t you realized that the presence of a foreign army only enrages the local population and makes them fight more aggressively?

DONALD

But Iraq isn’t foreign soil. It’s land surrounding our oil interests. Plus, remember, historically, it’s a British colony that they screwed up conquering, so now we have to do the job right.

BARBARA

The Shiites, Sunnis, and Kurds have been fighting each other for generations. How is our military presence going to resolve these conflicts?

DONALD

We will show them how to govern themselves, by establishing a country of their choosing, just so long as it does not permit abortion or stem cell research.

BARBARA

Why are we so involved in Iraq when there is genocide in Sudan? Why aren’t we assisting efforts to protect large numbers of people from further massacres? Isn’t it because there is oil in Iraq?

DONALD

There’s where you journalists make your mistakes. Our decisions have nothing to do with the fact there is oil in Iraq. The reason we are not sending troops and aide to Darfur is really quite simple: it is because there is no oil in Darfur.

BARBARA

What are you doing about the existence of soldiers of fortune who are fighting in Iraq, supposedly as security guards for American companies, yet who are engaging in battles without coordinating efforts with your department?

DONALD

It’s the right of every American to protect their belongings. If someone wants to have a private security force doesn’t need to adhere to military procedures and international law, it’s that much less we in the Defense Department have to worry about.

BABARA

What about the Defense Department’s own lack of adherence to international law in abusing prisoners?

DONALD

That’s why there is international law and American law. This is America, we live by American law. So long as we obey American law, we don’t need to listen to no international law. Besides, the prisoners aren’t being abused. It’s just a little harmless hazing, and between you and me, I think they enjoy it.

BARBARA

On violating American law, hasn’t recent domestic spying violated our own law?

DONALD

Not if it doesn’t violate the Geneva Convention.

(pulls out a paper of paper)

I don’t think someone should be questioning things when she is daily ordering girl on girl sex tapes through the Internet.

BARBARA

I assure you I do not do that.

DONALD

Oh, sorry, this is my own order form.

BARBARA

Your own Generals are criticizing you for lack of unity of command.

DONALD

We do have unity of command. Whatever I say goes. I don’t care if the CIA or the State Department says otherwise.

BARBARA

So how much longer will our troops have to keep fighting in Iraq?

DONALD

The war is done. And might I add, we won.

BARBARA

(exhales in exasperation)

Ok, how long will those troops involved in police actions have to remain in Iraq?

DONALD

Oh, they’re probably there for good. But, I remind you, they are only there to preserve the victory we won in Iraq.

BARBARA

I think I’ve heard enough of this lunacy. Back to the rest of our show.

DONALD

Where are my flowers, Barbara? I thought you said there’d be flowers involved.