I Shot My Brain, But I Didn't Shoot the Deputy

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

No sooner do I lament the decline of the American worker than news is reported that an employee shot himself with a nail gun through the roof of his mouth and into his brain, and he did not realize it until several days later. Now, what does THAT say about the awareness of the American worker?

Maureen Dowd reports that Carrie Fisher has not been asked out on a date in 12 million years, which I assume translates from Star Wars years into a long Earth time. Which tell us something: never tell Maureen Dowd anything personal. Now, I want to ask all those thousands of Star Trek nerds: you mean for the past 12 years you have all been drooling over Carrie Fisher, and NOT ONE of you ever thought to ask her out? Even Ally McBeal got the courage to ask out Han Solo.

The Eagles won this weekend, and there has been not one mention in the press of the reason why they won: my intern bought and wore her Donovan McNabb jersey. Doesn’t everyone know the outcome of football games is determined by superstitious acts of fans miles away from the game?

My essay, “Use Your Mortgage Loan Money to Pay for Internet Viagra” has been reprinted on the web site of Stop Spam Mail. My only question is: why? If they really are worried that people are going to use their mortgage loan money to pay for internet Viagra…wait, after learning that people can shoot nails into their head and not realize it, maybe it is a concern after all…

Another one of my great dating stories: A woman once called to cancel our date because, as she put it, this really cute guy she was always hoping would ask her out finally did. What hurt even more was that it was my birthday. So, if a woman cancels a date on your birthday because she accepted another date, is that a sign the relationship is in trouble?

I love how George Bush keeps getting excited over the prospect of NASA sending a spaceship to the moon as soon as the year 2015. Hasn’t anyone told him yet we already have sent men to the moon?

I also like how the White House congratulated Mahmoud Abbas on his election as the Palestinian President even before the polls closed. They stated they could tell he was going to win based on the exit polls. Following that logic, at what point do you think President Bush called to congratulate Senator Kerry on his exit polling victory?