Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: Use Your Mortgage Loan Money to Pay for Internet Viagra

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Use Your Mortgage Loan Money to Pay for Internet Viagra

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

I have determined it is rude to not reply to emails. I have decided to reply to everyone who writes, including the spammers. I thought you might like to read some of today’s mail:

SPAM: You have made a mistake on your mortgage application. Fortunately, I have been able to approve your loan without this information. Please email me for your loan information.

LEON: Well, since my house is paid off, I guess the mistake I made on the application is I never applied. Yet, since my loan has been approved, please wire the money to my account in Nigeria. This money will be very helpful in getting me to move my late spouse’s gold account out of the country. I will repay you after I get the gold to England.

SPAM: Our penis enhancer is now available for only three monthly installments of $19.95.
LEON: Thank you, but I was not interested in your product. Do you have anything that can shrink my penis size? Frankly, it is getting difficult to find pants that fit. If you have anything that can help, please let me know.

SPAM: We can send discounted Viagra right to your doorstep.
LEON: I asked, and my doorstep frankly is not interested. Besides, I can make discounted Viagra on my own by melting flour into a sugar cube. (That is your recipe, isn’t it?) And, no, if I ever get an erection that lasts more than four hours, I will not seek medical attention. I will be boasting about it in this blog.

SPAM: A friend told me you need a fuller breast size.
LEON: I know you’re lying. I don’t have any friends. Of course, maybe that is because I am a flat chested male. I guess the pressures of today’s society demands men with enormous breasts, but I refuse to give into peer pressure.

SPAM: This is the city utility department. If you do not pay your bill by the end of the month, we will be forced to shut off your utilities.
LEON: Yeah, right, like you can trick people into thinking you have to pay for your utilities. Nice try, Mr. Con Artist.

SPAM: Invest in this stock, and we guarantee we will triple your investment within two months.
LEON: Well, this advertisement has to be real. I wish to invest everything I have. My bank account number is SPDFWSWRFR and my password is IBELIEVEEVERYTHINGGEORGEBUSHSAYS.

On a separate conversation, I observe how messages have changed. Now, if someone sneezes anything that may be considered a threat, you will be detained and investigated. I remember back in the 1980s when I received a phone call from someone threatening to shoot Lt. Gov. Bill Scranton. I decided, even though that was likely a prank call, perhaps his office might like to aware that there is this creep out there. I called his office, and they said they were too busy to listen, and they actually hung up on me! Ahh, the good old days, when people could threaten to shoot a public official and no one bothered about it.


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