The Truth About Me and Angelina Jolie

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

My dating disasters continue. Granted, there were early warning signals with the latest blind date. Someone once told me this early detection indicator of possible trouble:

She owns one cat: That is fine.
She owns two cats: Borderline trouble.
She owns three or more cats: It’s an obsession.

She warned me that she had cats and that they would be opening the door and entering every so often. As we were talking, cats kept opening her door and entering. Why she doesn’t believe in closing the door all the way, I’ll never know. I know this seems shallow, but a conversation constantly interrupted by cats has its difficulties.

At one point, the door opened and there I was, expecting another cat, and then I realized I was facing one really large cat. It was a guy. The guy apologized and quickly left. The woman quickly explained not to worry, as that was her roommate.

A woman with a male roommate is another one of those early warning signals I notice.

She explained not to worry, as the guy was gay. Interestingly, the woman had just moved into the house, and the gay guy roommate had moved with her. I was able to ascertain that they slept in the same bed. Which, of course, she explains, is fine, because he’s gay. Yet, as the evening progressed and a steady progression of cats and gay guys passed through the door, I have now developed another early detection indicator of possible trouble:

She owns one gay guy: That is fine.
She owns two gay guys: Borderline trouble.
She owns three or more gay guys: It’s an obsession.

Today is Martin Luther King Day. I observed a conversation the other day between a store patron and a store owner:

Patron: What do you mean you’re not open on Martin Luther King Day? You were open in Christmas.
Owner: You have your savior, I have mine.

It snowed today. How many people do you think innocently and accidentally began singing “I’m dreaming a white Martin…”

It bothered me when the weather forecaster predicted that there would be white snow falling today. What other color snow is there?

Angelina Jolie is rumored to have broken up the marriage between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. You know, Angelina Jolie and I used to live in the same building. Therefore, I wish to issue an official statement denying that Angelina Jolie did not break up my marriage. Please, spread this official statement around, as much as you can.