Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: The Chicken Crossed the Line Because The Chicken Couldn't Remember His Line

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

The Chicken Crossed the Line Because The Chicken Couldn't Remember His Line

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

One of my most memorable memories from my writing days was when I wrote the play “Son of a Gun” and it was being performed in Connecticut. I was backstage with the director when we suddenly noticed something. There was an eery silence. We couldn’t hear anything emitting from the stage. We were momentarily puzzled. Was the play so bad that the audience had quietly snuck onto the stage and slaughtered all the actors? We were then amazed to see the lead actor backstage and not on stage, where he belonged. The lead actor could only stare ahead and ask “What’s my next line?”

As I recall, at that point, the director and I calmly assessed the situation and did what any rational person would do. We immediately fled town and never returned.

As to my script “The Sixth Dimension”, I often get asked: what are the six dimensions? There are the two dimensions of height and width, and the third dimension of depth. The fourth dimension is time. The fifth dimension is some type of emissions, often symbolized on charts as the differing colors. It could also be symbolized by different types of sound. The sixth dimension is best described as some type of extrasensory perception: it is something few humans seem to have but, as was recently demonstrated by the tsunami, animals have. It is something that raises a human’s level of consciousness. As is seen in “The Sixth Dimension”, there was an actual Cold War race between America and the Soviets to explore using this elevated consciousness for military advantage.

As for legal issues, I have discovered a difference between legislators and lawyers is lawyers know about court rulings, but they have no idea what the law actually says. That is because, to them, it is not what the law says but how the court interprets the law that concerns them. Therefore, I have decided, since no one actually reads the law, the law should be more direct. The law should read something like “Hey, Judge, here’s the compromise. Why should we bother figuring out what the law should state since you’re going to decide it anyway. Just give the trial lawyers 40%, the medical doctors 40%, and the insurers 20%.” Now, that would make life so much simpler for everyone.

As for consumer protection issues, I observe there is a fast food chicken place that has the chicken precooked and sitting in batches. All the employees have to do is take the order, grab the chicken from the correct batch, and serve it. I observed it was taking an average of 20 minutes for them to process orders. How complicated is this? These young employees are the future of America? No wonder some believe we are a couple of decades away from becoming a third world country. Look, if you are at a fast food restaurant, and it takes as long to serve the fast food as it would a fancy restaurant, you no longer are a fast food restaurant.


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