Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: If Looks Could Kill, and It Seems Mine Do

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Monday, December 27, 2004

If Looks Could Kill, and It Seems Mine Do

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

I know I am not a handsome guy, yet every ugly duckling is told by his or her mother that he or she is beautiful, or at least looks halfway decent, right? Not my mother. When I saw her recently for the holidays, she took one look at me and asked if she should call 911. At first, I thought she was kidding, but she was serious. She thought I look so bad that I was in need of medical attention. No, mother, I just look this bad. At least I tend to get train seats to myself, as few dare to sit with me.

I remember years ago when a candidate for Governor met me for the second time. I was surprised he remembered me from our first meeting. He actually said "who could forget you, with a face only a mother could love?" And, now, even that part is questionable. Anyway, that candidate for Governor never got off the ground. I saw to that.

Anyone notice that new trend of plastering building size advertisements onto New York buildings? I was observing a building advertising a woman wearing a bra (ironically, it was probably an advertisement for an automobile) when I made this observation: there are people whose office windows are the nipple portions of the photograph. Now, how do these people politely point out to their children, clergy, and parents, from street level, which offices are theirs? I presume they can see through their window without any difficulty, yet, if a portion of the picture of the advertisement does filter through, is it hard to entertain clients with a gigantic windowsize nipple leering into your room? Does this create difficulties? Or do people pay extra for such offices? And, am I the only person who worries about such things?

I went to a restaurant that had a wilted spinach salad. That had me wondering: could I pay extra for a fresh spinach salad instead? That reminded me of the place that advertised hard rolls. Were fresh rolls more expensive?

I went to see "Movin' Out". Just when I thought I had seen it all, the person sitting two seats down called his wife on his cell phone and let her listen to the music for the entire play. I presume he has a good phone plan. Frankly, I would think being that much of a cheapskate might be grounds for divorce. I just hope I don't get called upon now to testify in this divorce case.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I keep forgetting. What's the number for 911?

8:13 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you dail 9 for outside line, then the area code, then dial 9, then 1, then 1, and then hit the pound key for English, the star key for emergency, and then 4 for fire, 6 for police, 8 for paramedics, and 19 for homeland security, unless, of course, you wish instructions in Spanish, in which case you dail 9 four an outside line, then the area code, then 9, then 1, then 1, then the star key for Spanish, the pound key for emergency, and then 5 for fire, 7 for police, 9 for paramedics, 20 for homeland security, and 2885559012 for reporting suspicious luggage (this service not yet available in English).

12:22 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The law prohibits cell phones in New York theaters.

9:44 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, like the cell phone police will stop them.

12:33 PM


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