I've Got to Be Kidding

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

A website that promotes Tchaikovsky recordings has linked to this site. This may disappoint readers expecting reviews of Tchaikovsky CDs. So, to satisfy people who are looking for advice on Tchaikovsky CDs, I listened to several CDs, and here are my reviews: Excellent, not bad, good, alright but rather amateurish, and bravo, should be in everyone’s collection.

Did anyone else notice for awhile that my friend and neighbor Rupert Murdoch (and he really is my neighbor) was advertising on this site? Fox was promoting “Arrested Development” and “That 70s Show”. Well, Rupert, don’t think I am going to state how wonderfully funny both these shows are just because you advertise on this site. (And how did you do that, anyway?) Actually, both shows are quite good. Bravo, they should be in everyone’s collection. Yet, I see the advertisements disappeared. What, Rupert, afraid associating with me is going to ruin your reputation? Well, just see if I clean up all those abandoned cars from my lawn now. Oh, and Ashton Kushner, your agent once said one of my scripts would be great for you. Call me. I may even throw in an abandoned car into the deal.

I could be wrong, but I think the watch I bought is a fake. I didn’t know Rolodex made watches. And they spelled it “Rolodecks”.

I have a cousin who was killed during the Battle of the Bulge. I learned young people today have no sense of history. Keep in mind I am 48 years old and the Battle of the Bulge was fought in 1944. A young person asked me if my cousin and I were close.

I recall seeing a restaurant in North Carolina that didn’t seem to understand advertising. Their sign read “Our coffee is the best part of the meal.”

A car was clocked going 145 miles per hour in Devon County, England. This is the highest speed ever recorded for a speeding car in Devon County. The police were unable to apprehend and identify the person because…well, he was going 145 miles per hour.

Anyone else notice the ad for a sleeping pill that warns that a possible side effect is it “may cause drowsiness.” Isn’t that the whole point of the pill? Look, if it is not causing drowsiness, is it even a sleeping pill?

I don’t understand the controversy over abstinence programs. Critics claim they don’t work. That hasn’t been my observation. Every woman I’ve met has stated she’s into abstinence.

I remember receiving a phone call from a frantic mother who stated her son had been arrested and she wanted to know why she couldn’t bail him out. I called the Judge’s chambers and asked about this situation. They explained that the son had been charged with first degree murder and that there was no bail. I explained this to the mother. She took issue with me over no bail being allowed, arguing “why not? It’s only his first time.” Which may explain a lot.

I notice different sides of wars call wars by different names. Some say it was the Civil War; others call it the War Between the States. Some call it World War II. Others call it the Hiroshima and Nagasaki Urban Renewal Programs.

Harry Truman was famous for stating that “the buck stops here.” Someone pointed out that the only other profession which insists a dollar bill stops with the employee is stripping. Which makes sense: politics and stripping are remarkably similar careers.

Is there anyone involved in Homeland Security in New York City and New Jersey who is not under investigation? We may not be able to catch Osama Bin Laden, but we can see that those who are supposed to be protecting us from him are ultimately captured.

Canada warns they are worried about their ability to handle their border patrols. What? Are there too many Democrats fleeing into the country?

I found a way to explain sports to women. It’s like watching the dog show, only we don’t get to find out who wins Best in Show until several months later.

Serious advice for pregnant women: what is the leading cause of death for pregnant women? It is something about which probably no physician cautions you. The number one cause of death for pregnant women is homicide. The only thing a physician will probably do is caution you that homicide may cause drowsiness.

The U.S. Agency for International Development has an advertisement that they are looking to hire a Gender Analyst. They seek someone with seven years experience. How does one get seven years experience being a gender analyst? Does one spend seven years looking at puppies going: male, female, female, male…? What is the civil service test like? What are the genders of the following people: Marilyn Manson, Pat from “Saturday Night Live”, Dame Edna…?

I remember years ago visiting a computer museum in Boston. What I liked most was watching children’s amazement at the display of mannequins operating a card reading computer. It was as if the children were seeing cave people for the first time. Yes, humans used to live in such barbaric conditions.